Eden of the West

Ah, I really let myself go in the way of blogging this year. It started because I had no internet where I was staying for Christmas and then it sort of extended into the New Year because of how different my life is becoming.

I am starting to come to terms with my newly found singledom, but not without scars. In fact, I think they now run deeper than ever, I got issues now, not only with letting people get close to me but also to allow them to remain there. To be honest, if I could be an island, a man isolated in an island, I would be. It's rubbish to be in a situation where the other person just doesn't want to know about you nor thinks about their position in a relationship, I guess now they don't have to and they must be happy that way, so be it.

In the end, I think I got so much more out of the relationship, in my case thee changes only truly took place after it ended, granted, unfortunately, but this seems to be the norm: I will become a completely different person by the time I have fully come to terms with his absence, definitely a better person, but also a lonelier person and more miserable than before. However I look at it, his companionship made me happy, he made me incredibly happy, but also incredibly jealous and idiotic - I've read a lot of love stories go something along those lines.

So anyway, I file my nails every 2 weeks now, I shower everyday, in the morning, not at night, I eat at set hours and go to sleep before midnight. I started to play the guitar, and I listen to a couple more artists now, and I want to know more about the World. I carry my backpack on both shoulders, I'm not so quick to judge people and I don't feel the need to masturbate to pass the time, I don't look at porn, I don't procrastinate, I would say these are improvements over my old self.
It's a real pity for me that on the way I lost him, and that the songs I sing are all dedicated to him, and that each day I have to will not thinking about him because it makes me sad. It's a shame I think that I've lost the love of my life at the tender age of 20 when my actions speak otherwise, it's a shame I only think about this rationally after all is over. I feel sad when he looks at my Last.FM profile because I don't know what to think, and I'm afraid it really means nothing at all. I'm sad at times that I'm so lonely, and I'm so lonely I get even sadder, and these things didn't use to happen as often, I really feel like I've lost a very big chunk of myself and I'm trying to put together a new me without having the bones from the missing part, so it seems like I'm gonna fall apart any minute now since I don't recognise myself at times, and I refuse to say the new me is really me, whereas other days, like today, I feel ready to embrace the changes and jut move forward.

Yeah, I'm still a mess.